June 23, 2005

Red Rover

I am beginning to believe that Republicans are force-fed some sort of strange herbal hallucinogen that inspires them to lie big and, beyond and within that, to do and say some of the truly most bizarre, unexplainable things. Well, actually, I don't think it's force-FED. I imagine that it's probably more along the lines of a suppository.

Witness one Karl Rove, who made headlines recently with the following quote: Liberals saw the savagery of the nine-eleven attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers. Conservatives saw the savagery of nine-eleven and the attacks and prepared for war. Conservatives saw what happened to us on nine-eleven and said we will defeat our enemies. Liberals saw what happened to us and said we must understand our enemies.

I don't know where this freak was immediately following September Eleventh, but it was certainly nowhere near here, and by "here," I mean "the planet Earth." I do not believe there were many Americans, nor many Earthlings, for that matter, who would have blamed President Bush at the time had he opted to exercise a limited nucyoolar option in Afghanistan to smoke that lanky bastard out. I do not believe there were many American liberals who would disagree with me that, had President Bush appeared on our television sets two months to the day of September Eleventh with Osama Bin Laden's head in a bowl on his desk, and had he said, "My fellow Americans" as he started pouring milk over the bowl's contents, and had he begun to chow down on his delicious crispy Osama Bin Laden head cereal while offering us every disgusting detail regarding Bin Laden's slow, painful demise, it would have made most of us liberals very, very happy. Such a scene on my television set two months to the day following September Eleventh would almost have been enought to persuade me to vote for President Bush.

That didn't happen, did it? I mean, Bush set out at first to achieve this mission, even telling Gary Schroen to go in there and put Osama's head on a pike for him. And I believed strongly at the time that the United States was going to raid Afghanistan, bring back Osama's head, kick the Taliban's ass and come home. Unfortunately, we suffered from a little bit o' mission creep.

Here's where the suppositories kick in: It has been long and legitimately established that Iraq was not involved in the September Eleventh attacks. It's been well-documented and is at last permeating public opinion that Saddam's Iraq wasn't involved. So, Rove's attempt to continue sneaking that association in on the American people is downright laughable.

More laughable, though, is Rove's assertion that American liberals wanted to just roll over after the attacks. I was here, you dumbass. I saw the smoke. I walked Roosevelt bridge to get home because I didn't trust the Metro. I saw the snipers pacing on top of the White House. I was here and lived through it and you bet your combover I wanted answers. And if the answers included Osama's head, I would have been happy with that, too. But you assholes have given us more questions than answers, and your act is wearing increasingly thin. What you gave us was a quagmire that has done nothing to exact justice for what happened or to even convince me that something just as bad can't happen again. It's not that we didn't want some blood for that, you dick, but we've got the wrong blood on our hands now.

Keep flapping your mouth about your fancy suit, fellas. They're starting to see you ain't actually got no clothes on. (Just don't ferget to take your medicine.)

June 22, 2005

Garp Bit Bonkie

It just occurred to me that the people who sat in front of Terri Schiavo's hospice remind me a little of the Ellen Jamesians. The difference, of course, being that I don't see any of these folks self-lobotomizing in sympathy.

It does appear that their leader Randall Terry is going halfway, anyway. He's running for Senate.

I Hope The New Amendment Will Cover A Case Like This



Seriously. If that shirt isn't desecration of the American flag, I don't know what is.

Because It's A Piece Of Shit, That's Why

Edward Klein, author of that nasty, nasty "book" about the Next President of the United States, responded to assertions by conservatives that his "book" might create sympathy for Mrs. Clinton by saying that, if it were true, "...why have her people attacked the book?"

June 20, 2005

Does the Bow Tie Ever Spin Around?

Have been watching Tucker Carlson's The Situation on MSNBC, primarily because it features left wing radio's smoothest coolest sexiest lesbian, Rachel Maddow. It's not a bad show, perhaps an attempt by Carlson to answer to charges garnered from his participation in the yellfest that was Crossfire, but it often loses me, especially with that dingbat Tucker has employed as his "devil's advocate" on the "Outsider" segment. Wow. I could argue more effectively exerting my diaphragm to squeeze air through my sphincter muscles. And, I often do.

The "Outsider" segment is pretty contrived: Carlson introduces news stories from around the country, and this fella who looks like your RA your second year in undergrad, he's supposed to play devil's advocate and "defend" it. So, tonight Carlson mentions the fact that Gov. Tom Vilsack of Iowa is set to restore voting rights to ex-felons who have completed their sentences.

"Aw, c'mon, Tucker dude," says the Outsider guy. "You know, dude, awwww, those dudes like, already served their sentences, dude." You know, this "Outsider" segment for some reason reminds me of a rumor I hear tell that Tom Cruise likes to work with actors who are very very short because, well, it makes him look tall.

Carlson counters by arguing that ex-cons don't have very good judgement and therefore should not be allowed to vote. He also notes that Alzheimer's patients generally do not make their ways to the polls, and that sex offenders often must fulfill certain requirements after incarceration.

First, a little background. There are five states in the nation that fully deny voting rights to ex-cons. They are Iowa, Kentucky, Alabama, Florida, and Virginia. Other states have varying policies, 14 states automatically restore voting rights; four states restore rights after parole; and 18 do so after prison sentence, parole and probation. Therefore, it should be understood that withholding of the voting right altogether is the exception, not the rule.

Second, to compare the cases of ex-convicts and people not in stable states of mind is directly and nearly moronically contradictory. A person has to be found competent before standing trial, you numbnuts. The state cannot first find a person competent for the purpose of standing trial and then incompetent for the civil privelege of voting. And Tucker, mah man, you cannot compare the general population of convicts to the recidivist-like-clockwork population of sex offenders. Just can't do it.

Denying ex-convicts the right to vote amounts to cruel and unusual punishment, extending a convict's sentence into his entire life. More important, though, it dillutes the effectiveness of the penal systems that prescribe it (as does, I often argue, the death penalty). The true cost to the convicted criminal is supposed to be his loss of liberty, something that's supposed to mean more to the inhabitants of this country than life. Restoration of that liberty should act like a carrot, but without the right to vote included, you might as well be waving a can of beets in front of 'em. I hope those other states, including my own, follow suit.

June 15, 2005

Teri Was a Vegetable-dot-com

I think the largest point to be drawn from today's release of Teri Shiavo's autopsy report today is how awesomely powerful the superstitious little gremlins who have pirated the Republican party have become and how incredibly effective they are at obscuring truth.

The autopsy report evicerates claims that Schiavo could have been rehabilitated. It fortifies claims doctors had been making before judges for years, that Schiavo was in a persistent vegetative state, and that her revival was but a dream. The report states for the record that Schiavo was what court records said she was, a woman with half a brain and a head full the rest with fluid. Moreover, the report said she was probably blind, adding a nearly burlesque absurdity to the notion that this woman was reacting or making eyepaths.

And yet, these little gnomes held up the business of the nation for weeks, even rustled the president away from his vacation. They led masses of poor, deluded idiots to protest and to make overt jackasses of themselves, trying to "rescue" a woman who had actually died 14 years ago. One of these leaders, himself somehow licensed as a medical doctor, led the charge based on diagnoses he arrived at by watching it on television, high and mighty in denial of the most basic medical truths before him regarding this poor woman's condition, all in the name of establishing phony esteem points in the, um, "fight" against, um, "activist judges."

When Kansas says it intends to, um, "redefine" science, BELIEVE THEM. They can, and they will. Before you know it, your doctors will eschew the traditional means of treating that grade IV astrocytoma that's been bothering you and will instead jam a cross into your forehead and chant in Latin until Satan must cower from your body. Before you know it, the globes in our classrooms will be shaped more like Monopoly boards than volleyballs, and all of us who want to avoid procreating unintentionally are going to have to get really handy with Saran™ wrap and masking tape.

These are the dark ages, my Republican friends. You voted for them. Have a good time.

June 14, 2005

I Find The Last Sentence In This Story Very Interesting

Even though the writer seems to have no use for grammar...

*

Boy, 4, Dies After Going on Disney Ride By MIKE SCHNEIDER, Associated Press Writer

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. - A 4-year-old boy died after a spin on a Walt Disney World spaceship ride so intense that some riders have been taken to the hospital with chest pain.

Daudi Bamuwamye lost consciousness Monday aboard "Mission: Space," which spins riders in a giant centrifuge that subjects them to twice the normal force of gravity. The boy's mother carried him off the ride, and paramedics and a theme park worker tried to revive him, but he died at a hospital.

An autopsy was scheduled Tuesday to determine the cause of death.

The sheriff's office said the boy met the minimum 44-inch height requirement for the ride.

The $100 million ride, one of Disney World's most popular, was closed after the death but reopened Tuesday after company engineers concluded that it was operating normally.

Disney officials said in a statement that they were "providing support to the family and are doing everything we can to help them during this difficult time."

The ride recreates a rocket launch and a trip to Mars. A clock counts down before a simulated blastoff that includes smoke and flame and the sound of roaring rocket engines. The G-forces twist and distort riders' faces.

An audio recording and a video warn of the risks. Signs advise pregnant women not to go on the ride. Motion sickness bags are offered to riders. One warning sign posted last year read: "For safety you should be in good health, and free from high blood pressure, heart, back or neck problems, motion sickness or other conditions that can be aggravated by this adventure."

Since the attraction opened in 2003, seven people have been taken to the hospital for chest pains, fainting or nausea. That is the most hospital visits for a single ride since Florida's major theme parks agreed in 2001 to report any serious incidents to the state. The most recent case was last summer, when a 40-year-old woman was taken to a hospital after fainting.

"Two Gs is not that big a deal," said Houston-based theme park consultant Randy King, a former safety director at Six Flags, which operates 30 amusement parks.

The boy from Sellersville, Pa., was on the ride with his mother and a sister. During the ride, the mother noticed that Daudi's body was rigid and his legs were stretched straight out. She told detectives that she thought he was frightened, so she took his hand. When the ride was over, he had gone limp.

One other death was reported at Disney World this year. A 77-year-old woman who was in poor health from diabetes and several ministrokes died in February after going on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. A medical examiner's report said her death "was not unexpected."

Florida's major theme parks not (sic) directly regulated by the state, and instead have their own inspectors.

Ashcroft and who?

Loggins and Messina. Hall and Oates. England Dan and John Ford Coley. Ashcroft and Bacon.

"Both Ashcroft and Bacon feel that their ministry is important in demonstrating that 'government and God'—Christianity and politics—are compatible."

June 13, 2005

Help, I'm Iraq

This week looks like it's going to be pivotal for those of us who have said all along that the United States had and has no business screwing around with Iraq. A new poll says nearly 6 out of 10 Americans think we should draw down or withdraw. One could nearly infer that Dennis Kucinich is officially no longer a wack-job but a moderate voice for a majority of Americans. Sadder statistics are haunting the whole thing, though: We have passed another morbid milestone of 1,700 U.S. deaths. Remember, folks, that's 1,700 of our troops sacrificed in a war that the president told us was being fought to rid a nation of weapons it didn't have, to liberate a people that we've quickly driven to resent and detest us, to fight terrorism in a region in which we've actually innoculated it. And more Americans are coming around to the gruesome reality that this administration is steering the boat with its ass.

Some of those Americans, incidentally, include Repbublican lawmakers. Rep. Walter Jones, the North Carolina Republican responsible for the incredible marketing ecumen that changed "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries" on the Hill, said he will offer legislation demanding a timetable for withdrawl. Many other in the president's own party are beginning to clamor for a policy change.

I hope these little epiphanies have been augmented by the press' slow realization that the Downing Street Memo actually is news. On Thursday, Rep. John Conyers will be taking a letter signed by well more than 250,000 of us to the prez asking questions about the memo, following a forum on the issue. This will happen in the wake of a newly leaked British memo that fortifies the position that British intelligence feared that the United States did not have a closing strategy for this war.

Anyway, the tide is turning, kids. Hold on.

In other crrrap:

  • Salon reports that some guy will soon release a new book detailing new very nasty things to be said about Hillary Clinton and her husband, Mr. Bill Clinton. I am not linking to it, nor am I going to regurgitate the garbage, but let it be said that it makes me very sad.

June 9, 2005

Hillary Clinton for President

I tend to jump on presidential bandwagons early. I was talking about Howard Dean a year before anyone else had ever heard of him. Of course, I jumped off the bandwagon about primary time to vote for John Kerry, a decision I especially regret today in light of the revelation that Kerry did not truly do everything in his power to win. Release of his records could have shut down the yappy "swift vote beterans" in one fell swoop. It is unexplainable. And, I'm not the only amateur wonk who thinks so. I wish now that I'd voted my conscience despite the "I have a scream" speech and despite my concern that Dean couldn't get the job done. Kerry, it seems, did not do everything in his power to get the job done that I tried to send him to do. I very much now wish I had voted Dean.

With that in mind, I have decided that it is time to jump onto the bandwagon of one Hillary Clinton.

One could say (or rather, I am saying) that Hillary Clinton started her Washington career tilting against White House criminality. Papers she wrote as she served on the Watergate Committee led to three articles of impeachment against Nixon. I often wonder if this fact helped stoke the fires that led conservatives to lust for Bill Clinton's impeachment. Vengeful little fucks.

I also like the idea of Hillary Clinton for President because she was the face of healthcare reform. Somewhat unfortunate, of course, since that attempt fell flat on its ass due to politics. But the Clintons were the only ones who ever tried to do anything meaningful about this stupid, stupid problem.

I also like the idea of Hillary Clinton for President because the Clintons' record is, as of now, EXPUNGED. They've been exonerated of all but the most idiotic charge, and I think that one's been pretty well paid for. Let's run the Clintons with a fresh new record--no Whitewater, no beef futures, no more bullshit. Just good, common sense leading the way. Hillary for President, 2008.

June 8, 2005

Cribbed Directly From R. Maddow

I got this directly from this morning's Rachel Maddow Show, so forgive the outright theft. This, however, is so incredible that I had to steel it.

As many of you probably read yesterday, John Kerry has allowed some of his records to be released. And, they show that Kerry probably was not that much better of a student than was George W. Bush at Yale. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha! What a great story! Hee hee!

Yes, it's a funny story, and the right-wangers are certain to really zing us with it. Ha-ha!

The problem is that the real story went underreported. The real story, what else was in them records? Could it be...letters of commendation? Letters of commendation from some of the same fellas who were impugning Kerry in 2004 as the "Swift Boat Veterans?" Yep.

The question remains, why weren't these released when they could have done us some good? Only John Kerry knows.

Otra Crappa