More Advice for the Tiger

I wrote this a couple of days ago, before Brit Hume pointed out to me that Tiger Woods adheres to an inferior religion and will only get right when he finds Jesus just like good old Brit Hume has done. Maybe so. But wouldn't that make him even more boring than he already is? Everybody has advice for Tiger… even me, although I think the higher power Tiger ought to be reporting to is himself. Here is what I wrote Sunday morning: My college my dorm roommate had a collection of (what today would be considered mild) porno which showed people, particularly women, naked, hair and all. Most of these were nudist colony magazines and the subjects were not necessarily top quality models. Guys would come into our room and want to look at the collection. They would page through and pause and declare, "OH Gross" numerous times, and then they would leave, tossing a couple of "Gross" declarations over their shoulder on their way out the door, back to their own rooms where I suspect they did what they were inspired to do by the gross stuff they were looking at in my room. These are the kind of guys who play golf. Their particular hero was Tiger Woods, primarily because he has a knack for hitting the little white ball better than any other human in history. Tiger made most of his zillion dollars … more than $100 million a year since he turned pro… catering to these people by endorsing stuff so they would feel good about buying it. He gave the master golfer stamp of approval to ATT, GM, Nike, Gillette, Gatorade, numerous resorts, various golfing gear and wear. The stamp of approval is important because this is a crowd that cannot make the simplest decision without measuring first its mass acceptability. Heaven forbid that you should follow your inner spark! Turns out, however, that Tiger has been following a spark of his own. This causes a serious quandary for the boys in the bright fuscia golf shirts. How can you buy a golf club endorsed by a guy who pays prostitutes for a good time? What would they say at the country club? "He must like wemmin. He has a Tiger Woods club!!" So obviously the big corporate sponsors are running in the other direction. God forbid a normal guy would want to get a little on the side. Maybe Bill Clinton, may Eliot Spitzer, but not old Davy, the Caddie's bets friend. That would be gross! Here is some advice for Tiger. Fuckem! Be Happy. You are free. You are still rich and you probably have another 15 years of being the dominant player of that silly sport. Enjoy. Read Wilt Chamberlain's biography. Tell them to get a real life